So what do I want?
How many times a day do you ask yourself this question?
What do I want to do with my career?
Do I want a relationship?
Who do I want a relationship with?
Do I want New York as a permanent home?
I feel like I'm all over the place little pieces of me carelessly dispersed throughout this tiny apartment, yet so far away from every other part of me. One of those pieces over there somewhere by the futon is sure that he knows what he wants. I want a relationship eventually, I want to keep working in international education. I want nothing more than to stay in this city forever.
I can keep repeating these sentences until I'm blue in the face, but do I truly believe it? Maybe the emotional balance will pull maybe even drag all of those pieces like a spiritual magnet back to my center? Are we actually ever balanced or is life all about being unbalanced?
Just one year ago, all my thoughts and plans were different. A year before that, the change was even more radical. So how do you know when you know what you want? How do I know that wanting to live in New York won't change overnight? Where am I going to get the peace and balance to say "I want to be with you and share my life ONLY with you?"
I don't even recognize the hazy yet familiar pieces that are left.
Monday, January 14, 2008
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1 comments:
This is certainly a hard thing to deal with. We are lucky enough to make choices for ourselves that allow us to express our freedom and independence, yet with that comes the unknown, insatiable desire to experience everything all at once or piece by piece! But because we are afforded this ability, we are often scattered, bits of our soul in each desire we have within us. How do we know what is right? How do we know if where we are is where we want to be tomorrow? We don't. But what is key more than taking advantage of the moment is understanding that it's okay to become something different...to experience new things as long as you hold what you did in the past in dearest memory, and that you realize when the future comes that involves someone else in your life, you compromise to not only experience things through their eyes, but share in the excitement of what you have to offer with them. No day but today. No day but tomorrow.
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